Rahaye Rahaye
Hey, missus!
Chit Karda
Hey!
Imagine I lump Christians...
... George Bush, the Pope, Henrik Larsson and Willie the Janny all into one person.
You'd laugh. Why? Cos it's dumb.
But that's exactly what the West does with Islam.
As if one billion Muslims in 50 countries with hundreds of different languages
and countless ethnic groups are all one and the same.
Take my family.
My sister considers herself as a Muslim first.
And because she has a political streak, calls herself black.
My dad's been in this country for over... 40 years and is 100% Pakistani.
Or so he thinks.
I reject the West's definition of terrorism,
which excludes the hundreds of thousands of victims of state terror.
I reject the West's claim of moral high ground
after two of its main Jesus-lovers tore up the UN charter.
But above all...
I reject the West's simplification...
of a Muslim.
I am a Glaswegian...
Pakistani, teenager, woman.
Woman of Muslim descent... who...
supports...
Glasgow Rangers in a Catholic School.
Cos I'm a dazzling mixture and I'm proud of it.
I call on this house to defeat this hypocritical motion!
Bring it on! Yes!
Look at the state of you, mate! Celtic! Yeah!
Get your tits out, get your tits out, get your tits out for the lads! Get your tits out...
I can call you back. Call you back.
Grow up, guys.
- Give me my bag! Ho, what's going on here?
Another fucking coconut!
Shut it, you. Beat it. - Fuck off. Where's my top? Give us it back!
- Nothing worse than an uptight Paki! - You what?
- Uptight Paki Hun! - Fuck off!
- Argh! - Give us that here.
Here. Get in the car. Calm down and get in.
Here.
Aye, get in the motor!
Fuck's sake, man! They fucking started it!
- Would you just calm down? - Oh, disgusting little shite!
Tahara, calm down! Tahara! Come back!
I'm gonna kill you!
There's nae running in the corridor, OK?
- I'm gonna get youse! - Tahara, come back!
Hey, come back! Come back here! Stop!
- I'll fucking kill you! - Tahara!
Oi!
Come on, out the way, gang. For God's sake!
Shit! Listen, go to the right, go to the right!
I'm gonna kick youse in the balls!
- Whereabouts did these guys go? - What, sir?
- The guys who were running up here just now! - Up the stairs.
What's going on?
'Scuse me!
Tahara!
Excuse me!
- Thank you! - Calm down.
Can you two sit down now, thank you? And you two, outside.
- What on earth are you doing? - It wasnae our fault.
I don't care, Dan. Get out. And you can wait for me as well. Get out now!
Are you OK?
Is this someone you want to be with?
This is my brother. He was only picking me up. It's not his fault.
I take it they insulted you.
Something like that.
They looked pretty scared.
I'm sorry, miss.
It's OK.
Come on, let's go.
Careful you don't drop it.
Sorry.
Come on, let's go.
Right, Jacqueline... ...on with the lesson.
You've got a competition to win.
OK?
Ae fond kiss and then we sever
Ae farewell and then for ever
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee...
That gives you the perspective.
- Is that this side, this one? - Aye, that's the garden there.
- Right. - I suggest we start pegging it out.
From that corner. Then you'll get an idea of what it's gonna look like.
- OK, so, are we gonna do it? - Aye, let's do that.
- Hold on to it. OK, so I go? - Aye, aye.
One, two, three, four, five.
- Right, now what? - That's the steps you're gonna take, OK.
- Following that line, six steps that way. - OK.
- One, two, three, four... Dad!
... five, six. Dad, watch Mum's plants!
- Hey, Casim, come here. What are you doing?
- Stand in there? - In the plants?
Yeah. Stand here.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah.
And stand there.
We're gonna get shot, Dad. - Just you come in.
Come on, you stand there. Now, big Danny...
Right, where are you? - Right, I'm here.
- Where are you? What is there? - This is a kitchen corner. The wall.
I thought it was a games room, Mr. Khan? - Games room? Listen...
We're gonna have a bedroom and a living room for his wife-to-be. You not hear me?
We're gonna come down through there onto the kitchen.
Again, keel and board, line of the house, three steps down that way.
- Easy on the flowers. - Wait a minute. OK, right...
Don't worry about flowers. Let me get on with it.
- Two, three. Dad, get your big feet off!
Wee one! Tahara, come here.
Look, you just come here and listen to me.
- She's gonna go off her head, man! - See bloody kids, they don't listen!
Right, just stand there. What is it?
You're either gonna have an extension, missus, or you're gonna have a garden.
You cannae have both of them.
Once the extension is built, we'll make more flowers and more gardens. Don't worry.
Just you go in there.
- Right, Danny, what do I do? - Starting to get...
We're starting to get an idea of it now.
From that position, we're gonna follow this line again.
- This line there? - One step out here. Keep that line.
Right, Roddie... Roddie, come here. Never mind tea. Stand there.
- This'll cost you extra, Mr. Khan. - Right, OK.
So you've met the bedroom with the kitchen. You're coming down this line.
Keep it in mind. Get a sense of it. This way. Three steps.
- Same size of steps you've been taking. - OK, right. One, two, three. Ow!
Hi.
- I don't think you'll remember me. - Tahara's brother.
- Elsie, see you later, OK. - I owe you a new guitar, Miss Hanlon.
That's very thoughtful of you.
- What do you want me to do with it? - Well, the music room's locked up now.
- Shall I leave it in your car for you? - You could, if I had one.
I'll take it. Here...
- Where is it you stay? - On the other side of the city.
- I'll give you a lift. - No, I'll manage.
I'll give you a lift. Your hand looks full.
- Are you sure? - Of course.
Intimacy
Could you do me a favor? Duck down for a second?
- What? - Please, duck down for a second.
- Are you serious? - Quickly, please.
- See that takeaway there? - I can't from here, no.
It's my mum's cousin's aunt's son's, or something like that.
If they see me in the car with a strange woman, there's gonna be trouble.
Can I come up now?
Yeah.
- Thanks. - That's OK.
- Can I ask you something? - Of course you can.
I don't suppose you know of anyone who could shift a grand piano, do you?
- A what? - A grand piano.
A grand piano? You're in luck, Miss Hanlon.
- You've just met an entrepreneur. - It's Roisin.
- This your club? - No, not yet.
We thought we'd get the cards made up first. Then see how things go.
Oh, right, OK.
- So, a piano? - Yeah.
- Out of the way. Come on. - Jesus.
All right?
How's that?
- It's just up the one floor, OK? - One floor, darling?
- Are you Irish? - Yeah.
Could you not have stuck with a tin whistle?
Right, round this bend and just haul it up these stairs, boys.
OK?
For fuck's sake, Roddie, you're putting me through the wall!
- Sorry, Danny. Fuck's sake, wee man. - OK.
I'm gonna part your stains after this, Casim.
He told us we were shifting a dresser for a pensioner.
- She's older than she looks. - Thanks very much!
Come on! Just take the fucking weight, you fat bastard!
I cannae, Danny. My arms are fucking three foot longer!
I'm turning into an octopus.
Argh! It's on my fingers, Danny!
Fucking wee man. You useless fucking bastard, Roddie.
Calm down, Danny!
All right, wee man.
- Argh! Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ! My piano! Fuck!
What are you doing? You stupid bastard.
Are you all right?
- Aye. OK, wee man?
Flattened my balls.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
All right? You're a stupid bastard, you.
I think you're gonna need to re-tune this.
No, I meant the piano.
Wee man's just had his meat and two veg mangled with the piano.
- OK, wee man. - Give us a sec, will you?
I thought I heard a perfect high C when that hit you, wee man.
Very fucking funny.
Well, it's sounded better.
- It survived. Just. - Mm.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
Very good.
I've really missed this.
Whose was the fancy pad where you picked it up from?
An ex.
You two fall out?
No. Just changed.
At least, I did.
He looked upset.
Did he?
- Do you want a cup of tea? - No, no, thanks.
I'd better be off. I'm helping my dad at the shop.
- OK. - See you later.
Ah! Vous Dirai-Je, Maman
'Scuse me. Are you the lady with the grand piano?
Might be.
Don't suppose you fancy coming to a gig tonight?
I'm meeting a friend.
It'll be very low-key. Blues and swing.
I have to work tomorrow.
- What time do you start? - Nine.
You'll be back in by seven, I promise!
Mali Twist
- Hammid. - Well done.
How are you doing, mate?
- Has he been keeping youse entertained? - To say the least.
He's been telling us about this club of yours.
We've got a new place, ten minutes away from here.
Maybe 15 minutes.
It's an old barn and we've converted it into a fuck-off nightclub.
It's unbelievable, by the way.
It's gonna be the latest and trendiest club. This man's gonna be DJ-ing, I'll be promoting.
When do we get to go?
It depends how tonight goes.
What are you doing later on?
I don't believe this. There's your sister.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
What? Your sister? Yeah, she's all right.
- What are you doing here? Hi, Miss Hanlon. How you doing?
OK, Tahara? Girls?
How do youse know them? - They're my pupils.
Bet you didn't have to climb out the window.
- I nearly broke my neck. - Tahara, come here.
Shit. Are you gonna go?
She's in trouble, in't she?
If it gets back to her mum and dad, they'll kill her.
Come here.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Well, what do you think? I'm out with my mates, like you are.
- Leave. - No.
- Please. - Erm...
You're no' hanging about here, dressed like that in front of me. Leave.
- Why's Miss Hanlon here? - She was here having a drink.
- Oh, really. - Oh, really.
Listen, Tahara, I'm working here. Right? I'm working here.
I'm here with Hammid, OK?
- Yeah, whatever. - Yes, whatever. Move.
- Are you worried? - No, why should I?
- You sure? - Not at all.
- Let me just fix that for you. - Oh! You a wee bit strangled my neck there.
- OK. - OK, thanks.
Yeah. Whoo-hoo, postman!
Are they here yet?
No. What's this one like, Rukhsana?
- I bet he's a wee plookie ferret from Bradford. - Oi.
I heard that he's over six feet tall,
he's a fair... He has a fair complexion and he's got a full head of hair.
- Eugh! - What do you mean? That sounds nice.
You make him sound like a Viking.
It's supposed to be just tea, Mum.
- There's a car coming. - Oh...
- Is that them? - Oh, what a car!
That's pretty gorgeous. Oh, wow!
- Is that them? Oh, my God!
Where are they? Oh, there they are.
Aye, now, you two, on your best behavior.
Oh, he's stunning. He's all right.
Sorry about the mess.
Auntie, I did my Bachelor of Science degree from Imperial College, London.
Auntie, it's er... going really well, you know.
- Thanks. Thank you. - I've got a great team. Highly motivated.
Erm... I foresee myself spending a long time in Manchester.
You are very lucky. You have lovely parents.
- Thank you. - Thank you, ji.
So, what do you think of Glasgow?
Excuse me, Tahara. Do you mind? You want to sit here for a minute?
You go in there. Er... just... It's all right. You come in there. That's right.
Have a seat there.
That's a good girl.
- Psychology. - Psychology. Very nice.
So, you are an accountant?
I'm doing a feasibility study.
It's just to do with import and export.
A journalist.
- Aerobics? - Yeah.
- Oh, right. Do you enjoy that? - It's OK.
It's good to do some voluntary... voluntary work in the communities.
Oh, OK.
She is beautiful. - Thank you.
- Casim, you are a lucky young man. - Very lucky.
- Is this it? This is it.
- OK... - "Is this it?" This is it!
This is my place.
- Yeah, but I thought... - My club.
A touch of paint is what you said.
Look at the potential that's in this place.
Bars all across the side there.
Both sides.
A dance floor so big it covers the whole back.
Hundreds of bodies just dancing to the beat.
Me, up on a podium...
raised so I can see, look over everyone.
VIP rooms, different music rooms everywhere.
You with your grand piano away in a room over there.
There'll be lights flashing from everywhere.
All these angles...
Can you not see it?
That's gonna cost you millions.
- £56,000. - £56,000.
- There won't be any dress codes. - No dress codes?
Cos there's no expectation. There's never expectation.
- So transvestites... transvestites to anoraks? - Burkas to G-strings.
Where even shy girls can make the first move.
And nervous little boys won't run away.
Doesn't feel quite the same without the grand piano.
You're strong...
- You're strong, aren't you? - For a wee Irish girl, I am.
2-1 to me.
Never!
OK, truce, then? OK?
- Truce. - Yeah.
- Promise? - Swear to God.
Over my dead body, you mug!
- Now it's a truce. - OK, now it's a truce.
I forgot to say...
I like your name.
I forgot to say...
I like your hands.
Is there for honest poverty
That hangs his head and a' that
The coward slave we pass him by
We dare be poor for a' that
For a' that and a' that
Our toils obscure and a' that
The rank is but the guinea's stamp
The man's the gowd for a' that
Then let us pray that come what may
As come it will for a' that
That sense and worth o'er a' the earth
May bear the gree and a' that
For a'that, an'a'that
It's coming yet for a'that...
Ah, Roisin, Elsie...
Can I ask whose idea it was to sing a Burns song?
It was the modern studies class.
They thought it would fit in with their third-world debt project.
I don't think a song written by a well-known drunken fornicator is really appropriate
- for the holy sacrifice of the mass. - Is that right?
Roisin... Roisin...
I've just had a telephone call from David
and he tells me that he's going to take early retirement.
So it's my intention to offer you a full-time post.
- And I won't take no for an answer. - Really?
You enjoy the mid-term break and I hope you'll come back as a permanent member of staff.
- What about an interview? - We don't need to worry about that.
We've seen your work for the past nine months and I don't want to lose you.
- Thanks a lot. That's great. - That's OK. I'll catch you later.
- I've just been made permanent. - You're kidding! Fantastic!
I can't believe it.
Girls, hurry along to your next class, OK?
To Spain?
Yeah, there was, like, a two-for-one deal going on, so I just went ahead and booked it.
- Leaving tomorrow? That your own directory enquiries?
Come on!
Jesus Christ!
You just booked them?
It's a bit short notice, isn't it?
Casim, that mortar's going to fucking get hard if you don't put it back on.
I don't know. Is it under there somewhere?
Where the fuck are you going?
Mum...
I've got to go to London for a few days. We may have a backer for the club.
Three days, Mum.
I'm just gonna get some stuff ready in the house.
It's freezing!
You know what the best thing is?
No, please don't! Let me go in my own time.
- This is the best thing. - No, no!
- Thank you. - Gracias.
- Algo mas? - No, nada mas, gracias.
So what about angels?
We have angels.
- Virgin birth? - Yep.
- We've even got a special chapter on Mary. - Really?
Erm...
Transubstantiation?
What's that?
It's where the priest turns the bread and wine literally into the body and blood of Jesus Christ.
- What are you laughing at? - No.
So I suppose, then, you believe that the Archangel Gabriel
in a cave, whispered the word of God word by word into Mohammed's ear.
Exactly.
There's still so much I'm proud of.
Do you know what "zakah" means?
It's when you give a percentage of your income to the poor.
My dad, still to this day, gives exactly to the penny to asylum seekers.
Aye.
Kill a man, kill all of humanity.
We can be higher than angels and lower than dogs.
Love thy neighbor as thyself.
None of us truly believe until we wish for our brothers and sisters what we wish for ourselves.
To the prophet.
To Jesus. A lesser prophet, but what the hell.
Well, at least we both believe that life is one long miserable test
and the Day Of Judgment is fast approaching. So, to paradise.
- Cheers. - Or hell's furnace.
Paradise.
To be honest with you, I think I was lonely more than anything else, you know.
It's cos I've no family. It's kind of why I got married.
You got married?
Yeah.
- How old were you? - 19.
19!
Mm. Big, white, fluffy, meringue dress and pointy shoes - the works.
Jesus...
- 19? - Mm.
In front of all our friends and God and state and church...
I swore with all my heart that, no matter what, I would live with him for the rest of my life.
- What's he like? - Och, he's lovely.
I mean, he's a really kind man, you know?
Just more of a friend.
And what's wrong with companionship?
There's nothing wrong with it.
I just need more.
Like what?
Erm...
The match, you know?
- The real equal match. - Yeah.
And a wee twinkle in the eye.
If that's not there, I'd just... I'd rather be on my own.
That's OK, isn't it?
So do you ever get scared now?
Erm... sometimes, yeah.
Late at night, you know, if I'm in my bed or half asleep,
or just feeling a wee bit down.
But I have this little fella to keep me company.
- Is that a butterfly? - Mm.
- You're a khotee. - A khotee? That a compliment?
- A lovely little khotee. - Aah.
Mm...
- Do you know what you are? - What?
- A durdou. - Durdou?
What's that?
- Frog. - What?
A frog?
Thanks very much!
Hello.
You're up early.
Couldn't sleep.
There's something I've got to tell you.
I'm due to marry my first cousin Jasmine... in nine weeks.
Very funny.
- Honestly. - I don't believe you.
11 words.
Couldn't get them out.
So what the fuck is this?
Hm?
Is it like some last-minute fling before you settle down to married life?
- No. - No?
Then what the fuck am I? Some cheap fucking tart at a stag party?
Jesus Christ!
I don't believe this!
11 little words, was it?
Well, here's another two for you... fuck off!
I mean, why couldn't you tell me before we got on the plane?
- I couldn't. - Why?
Why didn't you tell me last night?
I'm sorry.
You'd better not be here when I get back.
I can't stand lies, do you hear me?
I can't fucking stand them!
You really had me fooled.
I mean... I've been with some pricks in my time
and I knew it at the time and I suffered the consequences!
Well, I really trusted you!
You're right, Roisin.
I shouldn't have let this happen.
I should have foreseen the hurt.
Should, should, should - story of my fucking life.
But I didn't.
Which made me realize something.
I'm gonna go back home and cancel the wedding.
It's too much for you to understand and I don't expect you to.
It'll probably blow my family apart.
But what the fuck?
I don't want you to ever think that you were just a cheap fling.
It wasn't like that. I promise, it was never like that.
I'm gonna book an early flight.
Thank you.
I've been away for three days. My mum has left five messages.
You're lucky. I want you to meet my friends, by the way.
I was thinking of having a dinner party on Saturday.